The Present…
The Past…
The Discovery Phase…
Posted on | July 7, 2011 | 2 Comments
Ok… Full disclosure. For the first time in a long time, I think I’ve written, deleted and then rewritten this post three, no… four times including this pass at it.
I’m typically a bit of a “go with your first draft” kind of writer because of the raw nature of it all. The writing seems to come more from your gut and less from that state of trepidation you have after you hit “send” or “publish”. But this particular post has been handcuffed to that part of the ribcage that’s close to the heart.
You know that place. It’s where the ribs have tiny cracks from a heart that beats hard for so many reasons, if only keep you alive so can see how this big grand story ends.
So let’s give this a go shall we?
This blog has taken an interesting turn in the last year. I’m suddenly way more introspective and seeking, rather than assured and jaded. A lot has changed in my life and it’s been interesting to see what has shaken out of what is shaping up to be quite the rediscovery. Most of this I think has come from a body that’s finally starting to weather, parents that are visibly aging, and opportunities (both serendipitous and manufactured) finding me rather than me chasing them and previous affirmations not being as solid as I originally thought they were.
Not doubt, it’s been a lot to wade through. But I seem to be getting there.
The body end of things has been the most obvious one for me so I’ll start with that one first. High school excluded, I’ve always been of the volition that our bodies are merely vessels that carry whatever we are around, providing a conduit for us experience this life we wake up to everyday. Vanity has never been a strong suit for me so, in hindsight, when I look back at how I’ve treated my body I’m ashamed to say that I should’ve done better. Way better. More physical activity, eating healthier, something other than a desk job, you name it… my life decisions weren’t the brightest as far as my body is concerned. I’m not beating myself up, the past’s long gone, but I am hoping that I still have enough sense to enjoy this body I’ve been given. So for the last few months I’ve followed Mel’s lead and wandered back into the local yoga studio and it’s done wonders for me! I’m more conscious of every inch my body than I ever have been and I feel for the first time that I’m actually saying “thank you!” to my body rather than taking it for granted.
It’s also healed some emotional wounds as well, so if your looking to be realigned in more ways than one, I suggest yoga. Bar none, I’ve figured out more shit on my yoga mat than I have in years of simply being angry at the world.
On my parents. What can I say? They are finally getting “old”. Its always amazing and somewhat difficult to see the people who made you who you are, age significantly and visibly. I’m not sure when this vision of them in my head changed, but in last year I’ve realized that, just like me, they won’t be here forever. It gets you thinking about time and how everything has a final page waiting patiently to be turned. My time with them has been filled with ups and downs, but rather than focus on bad times, I really just want my remaining time with them to count. I’ve been applying the same theory to all of my relationships actually, but especially with my parents. No doubt, it can sometimes be a challenge but I’m finding more and more that it’s worth it if you have the energy to invest. Some do, some don’t.
Am I a good son? A good brother, uncle, nephew? A good friend? I have no idea. But it is becoming more and more important for me that when I lay down at night I am able to say “Today? Today I did my best.” Somedays I fail miserably at this, but being more cognizant of it has helped a lot.
That and the occasional deep cleansing breath ;).
The last two, opportunities and affirmations, both kinda spring from the same well so I’ll just say this: it’s somewhat crushing and liberating when you realize that you were really full of shit about quite few things in your life. This has been happening a lot to me of late and while it’s incredibly easy (not to mention safe) to laugh off the notions of your past self, I recommend giving then a good look square in the eyes, smile and say goodbye. When they go for the obligatory handshake brush it aside and give them each a big hug. At one time each of those ideas about life came from pure place, they all deserve at least that much.
Which brings me to the whole point of everything written above. The act of accomplishing everything above has made me discover something I’ve kept buried so deep inside of myself that I honestly didn’t think I had it in me at all. That thing is the key to just about every second you will spend on this gigantic rock hurtling and spinning through space.
That thing is love.
I’m not talking about the Hollywood cliche either. I’m talking about that Herculean attempt to apply what makes you happy to everything. And this includes yourself. Especially yourself. If you can find it in you, you’ll be shocked at how many other places you’ll find it.
At the end of the day, it’s homework for all of us to hand in. Whether we like it or not. I know the lessons can be a bitch sometimes, but do your best.
I know I am.
Tags: breathing > discoveries > hopes > pipe dreams > reflection > ruminations > taking a step back > thoughts > what's it all mean?
A Fast Getaway…
Posted on | May 31, 2011 | 3 Comments
A lot of folks looked at me with a cocked brow when I told them I was staying in a tipi for a long weekend of writing. I honestly can’t say that I blame them. Especially when there were cabins on the same property literally a stone’s throw away (for the same price no less) from the platform the tipi was erected on. I didn’t really have an answer, so I either smiled or laughed it off with a “…just thought I’d try something different…”.
The answer to me though was pretty obvious: I needed to get back to basics. And while the tipi had pretty swanky accommodations inside (a bed, kitchenette, couch, etc…) it was the simplicity of it all that I hoped would give me a clear head to simply write.
And write simply.
As I’ve mentioned before, this last year has been spent refocusing on myself quite a bit. I have been feeling a little rudderless and that has made my occasional bouts of saddness a little more frequent than I would like. I’ve finally gotten to point in my life where “shopping therapy” no longer works and adding to the mountain of stuff that I already have, only buries me deeper (metaphorically speaking of course). So when I reached the point I was at recently, I knew it was time for me to step out my comfort zones and take matters into my own hands. Before I knew it, I had a daypack filled with a little clothing, my laptop bag and a power cord in the back seat of a rented car, making a beeline down the highway towards Black Mountain, NC.
My head was full of thoughts and ideas! Sure a few doubts rattled in there, but they were crowded by my hopes.
Getting there was the easy part, the tipi was everything I hoped it would be (and more) and after I made another trip into town for additional supplies, I was ready to start.
The words didn’t come easily, sometimes they simply don’t, but once I finished a sentence, another one came. And then came a paragraph, and then a page. Before the weekend was over I had a little over 6000 original words! To say I was pleased would be an understatement.
When I wasn’t writing I was reading outside or going on hikes around the property where I was staying. I spent a lot of time being still, thinking and breathing.
For the first time in a long while, I actually felt like “me”. I missed my best friend and our pets but it turns out I was also missing a lot more. It was awfully nice to blow the dust off everything and get reacquainted with what makes me tic.
A lot of folks head into the woods to get lost. But I guess I was looking to get found.
Tags: events > ruminations > thoughts > writing
Thoughts On Trees…
Posted on | April 14, 2011 | 1 Comment
… and not the ones I’m often accused of hugging a little too tightly :), but of the ones that represent family.
Family trees have been something that I never really got into. I’ve encountered quite a few intrepid historians in my lifetime and I have always loved their enthusiasm (and their stories on plenty of occasions). But when it came to my own family tree, I honestly have never had that pull that grabs people into the thrill of documenting the history of those who came before them.
It’s an odd admission for sure. My parents love passing down stories and I love writing and telling them. So you’d think I’d love to tell the story of characters that actually lived and breathed. I mean what could be more fascinating than the true tale of the folks that ultimately added to your very existence? It sounds pretty enticing doesn’t it? It sure does typing it. ;) But beyond that whimsy, I’m confident (and tiny bit ashamed) when I say that I’ve never gave it much thought.
I think it stems from the fact that I’ve never been given reason to. This is only partially my fault, but I’ll own up to it. I’ve always felt that if a person doesn’t effect your life in anyway at all, than what’s the use in placing value in a connection that isn’t even there? Is a family member you’ve never met any different than a stranger you’ve never laid eyes on?
The literal answer is “no”. Because in my big existential hippie mind, I truly believe that we’re all family on this huge, spinning rock hurtling through space. That every human on this planet deserves at least the genuine prospect of the equal love, compassion and attention that a family member gets (I know, I know, easier said than done right?).
But… there is something more to being amongst your family members isn’t there? More than the simple act of caring for anyone and everyone. There is some inherent pull or symbiosis. An uncanny sense of belonging.
For some it’s more pronounced and obvious (for better or worse). For others? Not so much (also for better or worse). My situation isn’t a whole lot different. I’ve always been pretty guarded about my life, sharing my passions only with folks who had shown me genuine interest.
But now that I’m in my mid 30′s I’ve started questioning that exhausting protectiveness of mine. I still keep my cards close to my vest, but I’m slowly shedding that aspect of self-preservation/low self-esteem. One byproduct of this, is now, when anyone seems to want my opinion? I’m fine with giving it. So when my parents mentioned wanting to go and visit Dad’s cousin and her family in Sweden I had my usual knee-jerk reaction: “Why spend all that money on a trip to visit some folks you’ve never met?”
Well, it turns out it’s because they are awesome that’s why! :) But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. So let’s rewind a bit.
Months ago, my Dad got correspondence somewhat out of nowhere from a Swedish cousin he’d never met (or if he did, it was LONG time ago). Her name was Lis and she was tracking us down to work on her own genealogy project, documenting her/our own family tree. To say my parents were smitten with this contact would be the understatement of the year. Before long Lis and my parents were in somewhat regular contact via email, finding out more about us and us about them. Always quick to share the emails, I started to learn a little about them. They seemed nice!
So when Melinda and I were planning our trip last year to Scandinavia, I took a chance and contacted them myself to see if they’d like us to visit. It’s always hard to glean intent or personality from emails when you don’t know the person very well, but immediately Melinda and I felt welcomed. The replies from Lis and her husband Ingvar were so warm, kind and more than generous. So planning to stay with them on the last leg of our trip was kind of a no-brainer.
Then this happened. And the trip was yanked from our tear-soaked hands (ok, a little over the top, sorry, but we were really bummed we had to cancel it).
It would seem like this opportunity to meet would be completely lost, but, it wasn’t. Through our last few emails to each other before we were supposed to leave on our trip, Lis often offered up the challenge:
“Now the question is, who will meet who first? Will the Swedes come to the U.S.? Or will the Americans come to Sweden?”
That thankfully got answered months (not years) later when Lis, Ingvar and their daughter Kristin visited the states and made the trip south to spend a week with us! Once the living arrangements were set up, we all agreed to meet for the first time at Tessa’s place. What was wonderful for Melinda and I was that my parents had previously shared tadandmel.com with them and that gave this wonderful foundation for them to build on when starting their new relationships with us. So much so, that when they came through the door, they new who we were by simply looking at Melinda and I. It was great! There wasn’t the usual awkwardness associated with meeting someone for the first time. Just smiles, hugs and immediate familiarity.
Of course, we had a lot to learn about them! And we did. The week they were here, Mel and I did our best to get time off to spend with them and though it was way too short, it was enough time to experience something I hadn’t really felt before. Or at least hadn’t felt to such an extent.
It was that pull, that inherent comfort, that you get from being around family. You know, the folks that accept you for all of your faults, know most of your secrets ;), and love you unconditionally. Of course, they made it really easy as they were amazing folks! Just as kind and warm as I had imagined.
I immediately felt comfortable around them and that doesn’t happen very often with me. I particularly felt an awesome connection to my cousin Kristin (who all the pics, aside from the top one, in this post were taken by). We discovered that we made a lot of the same decisions growing up. From our passion to write, love of nature, love of music, all the way down to our senior thesis focus in college (I went with Poe and she went with Sherlock Holmes), it was pretty uncanny how much our lives traveled in parallel. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other (I hope I didn’t blab too much, my family is a bunch talkers. Sometimes to our own detriment.), and we when had to say good bye, I really wished I didn’t have to.
Which was a surprise really. In the past when I’ve visited with the few family members we are in touch with, we’ve all kind of known when it was time to depart. I imagine that this is because my immediate family is filled with pretty strong personalities (putting it lightly). We’re incredibly different from each other and though we love each other deeply, we also know when each of us needs our space. So when our Swedish family visited I naturally assumed they’d grow tired of us and want to leave LOL!
But they didn’t, or at least they didn’t seem to. All told it was a pretty amazing time! We did lots of stuff during their visit, showing them the area. Baseball games, historical landmarks, live music, art exhibits, museums, pubs, southern food, it was amazing what we got to wrangle into that week. During all of it, a thought came frequently into my head: “Man, these folks are wonderful aren’t they? And they’re FAMILY. Family from far away.”
So, just like that, my “out of sight, out of mind” theory about family/people, started crumbling. Before long, I not only was happy to find a branch on my family tree that I could relate to on many levels, but was also feeling a good amount of pride.
Bar none, I wasn’t expecting that from this visit.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting the opposite. It’s just that, while I knew I’d like our Swedish family members, I didn’t think I’d genuinely love them as people and enjoy their company so much. I certainly didn’t expect to miss them after they left. At least not as much as I do.
And I do.
The story’s not over though. We’ll keep writing it when we head over the pond to visit in September. ;)
Tags: breathing > day to day > family > introspection > life in general > reflection > ruminations > thoughts
On Fear…
Posted on | March 6, 2011 | No Comments
(Heads up! Another introspective post comin’ your way…)
A couple years back, I wrote somewhat exhaustively about our house being vandalized while we were out of town and it’s odd effect that it had on me. If you don’t want to wade through several archive posts of my bizarre neurosis (and who could blame you :) ), then I’ll try to sum it up quickly.
Basically, after the event occurred, I became intensely paranoid/afraid of pretty much everyone who I heard outside of my house at night. Please note that this is an entirely new issue for me. I’d never had this problem before in the slightest.
So yeah. Kids zipping by on skateboard, a couple talking while walking the dog, folks having a party across the street, a car door slamming. You name it, if it occurred after the sun went down, my breath became shallow and my heart rate quickened. I didn’t want it to, in fact I always hoped it wouldn’t. But for some reason, it always just… did.
This fear lingered off and on for years (I know… crazy right?) but it lessened as more and more time passed.
As you can imagine, the whole situation was infuriating to me. I like to think I have the bulk of my mind and all of it’s idiosyncrasies in check. So to have very common, everyday situations send my emotional state into a tailspin (in my own home no less) was frustrating to say the least. When I couldn’t just “get over it”, it became alarming. Which didn’t help my emotions, which only made everything worse.
In short, I was kind of a mess for a while. To me, the whole situation was ridiculous.
Anyways, fast-forward to the present….
I did eventually “get over it” and while it took WAY longer than I ever anticipated, I learned a lot about an aspect of myself that I always new was an issue (since childhood really) but I never fully addressed: trust.
I’ve never had many close friends or confidants. This stems mostly from being burned one too many times as I kid and teenager in relationships, causing me to internalize that betrayal WAY too much (Please note, this was definitely my problem and not theirs).
That’s another topic for maybe another post but, suffice it to say, what I learned is that the fear that overtook me during the night, all stemmed from my inherent trust issues. The realization of this was incredibly liberating! I finally had something I could work on! So I did, and while it was a long, exhausting slog, in the end I learned the following:
1. That people truly are at their core, predominantly kind, giving and inherently don’t want to do anyone any harm. Are there exceptions to this point? Absolutely! But those folks don’t exist nearly as much as I once feared that they did. In hindsight, I actually knew this all along, but I didn’t TRUST this notion. I should have and now I do.
2. I own a lot of stuff and for a long time I attached a lot of pathos to these when I shouldn’t have. I did this so much that when I saw the vandalization of my home, I took it as a personal affront to me and my family. I should’ve thought “wow, the kids in my neighborhood sure were bored this weekend, let me get this cleaned up”. But I didn’t, I internalized it and let it fester.
Point blank, this notion is an incredibly stupid waste of time and energy.
Anything can be repainted, repurposed, or simply replaced. Or even better! Abandoned. Take it as a sign that you didn’t need it in the first place. Clearly that last sentence doesn’t apply to everything (we all need shelter for instance).
3. Fear, is a wonderful emotion that I love to experience and explore. It can give you strength in the moment and knowledge, born from fear, often has an infinite shelf-life.
But fear can also be poison and when it reaches that point, it’s vital that you face it head on. Address, respect and work with it. All with the soul purpose of working through it.
When you embrace fear (or any emotion for that matter) you accept it’s rightful place in your life (and trust me, it does have a place). When you do, it becomes more of a tool to live life more fully and less of an obstacle to avoid at all costs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, like I said, it was a long, long road I had to travel on before I got to where I am today. But I’m here and I’m happier than I was before. I see everyone and everything worthy of eye contact and a smile now (simple acknowledgement). I actually am a lot less nervous about things in general and I find that I’m wanting to experience way more now. There’s a lot less negativity screaming through my veins.
In short, I’m grateful and more focused on the good things around me. And when you stop, breath and look around, there’s quite a lot to take in.
I’m really glad I’m not missing out on it anymore.
It’s strange (yet wonderful) to think that all of this! All of it, came from what I can imagine was a bunch of silly kids, bored out of their minds and a dozen eggs sitting in the fridge.
Waiting to be thrown at anything.
Tags: breathing > hopes > introspection > life in general > memories > reflection > ruminations > stopping > thoughts > what's it all mean?
“Future Shock”
Posted on | February 24, 2011 | No Comments
Been listening a lot lately to a hip hop artist out of Minneapolis named Sims. His solo record “Bad Time Zoo” recently dropped and it is really exceptional. Not only does it make you want to get your ass out on the dance floor (and I don’t dance, well, I don’t dance well…), but it also makes you think. The bulk of the lyrics on his new album are mostly critical of today’s society and how we all are tumbling into a technologically desensitized black hole. But rather than play into the hands of the completely annoying “FML” faction of today’s society, it offers glimmers of hope through out. And because it is written well, it comes across as more of a dialogue than being preachy. It’s one of those “wake-up call” albums that meshes raw and polished talent with a well timed message.
Having seen him live, I can honestly say that the message isn’t a marketing ploy, it’s from genuine concern.
His opening track on Bad Time Zoo meshes well with my much-documented love-hate relationship with technology. It’s called “Future Shock” and I heartily recommend giving it (and the rest of the album) a listen. It’s really, really well done. You can stream (as well as purchase) the entire album from his bandcamp site found here: http://sims.bandcamp.com/album/bad-time-zoo
Future Shock
I was born in 82
about the time of the Cold War flu
born when the world was small
before we connected the zoo
look at the way we grew
dropped the borders but we kept the walls
the things we made to pull us close push us all
we hear the ring but screen the calls
so close we could almost touch
but so far we don’t speak on the bus
so close I can almost see your breath
but so far I can’t hear your words
I don’t go a day without a button pressed
the years go by in a blur
it’s the time of plenty, inbox full
so why do I feel so goddamn empty?
but look at how connected we are
the whole globe at your fingertips
speed the pace it’s an instant fix
Space Age but I feel boxed in
and it’s wide open
and I’m dying to know
why I feel disconnected
am I dreaming demons, alienated
or do I just get what I expected?
they say it’s greed that keeps people turning
feeds the lonely and the beasts of burden
East of Eden but at least we’re earning
the ice is melting and the trees are burning
reporters all say it’s all but lost
and all we can do is watch
so I walk with my shoulders dropped
watch these blocks stack up with stores
is this what we’re working for?
filling that hole with goods, what’s good?
but the chokehold ain’t local no more
it’s global and closing its doors
it ain’t about right or wrong
what side you’re on
but the things we traded
how many sights for many sights
how is your life?
I was born in 82 but I live in 2000 and now
all the things I thought I knew
turns out they were never around
and all the people I met today
well, they all the same feeling that emptiness
fill it up with Fendi till the trendiness fades
then throw that thing away
I want the one with the new features
until the next one out then
bury it a little deeper
add on to that man-made mountain
you could have it all, the campaign touting
the cars and the champagne fountain
but that pool’s only deep enough to sink
but these fools don’t even stop to think
they just want that bubbly
now they spilling on you
ain’t that lovely?
what a mess since they jumped in
now they scream save me, save me to the public
but we barely know the subject
we’re all out doing for us
in so far, so far in fact
so near so packed we don’t speak on the bus
loss of love, loss of mind
loss of love, loss of mind
running out of time
loss of love, loss of mind
loss of love, loss of mind
damn near out of time